The Classifica 68 – Tutti in gita

Lo so. Lo so che non ne potete più di questo paese frollo. Beh, per fortuna, avete ME.

Lasciamoci questa valle di lacrime alle spalle! Forza, questa settimana saliamo tutti sul pullmino e ce ne andiamo a vedere le classifiche degli altri G8! Perlomeno quelli che mi ricordo che sono G8. Perché mica posso riciclare il discorso sulla telegioventù che domina in classifica o parlare dei Pooh e della loro raccolta doppia che entra al n.2 dietro Alessandra Amoroso o del disco degli Audio 2 con Mogol che è l’altra nuova entrata, al n.10. No, lasciamo per un attimo il Paese delle Meraviglie e cerchiamo di capire cosa frulla per la testa a quegli infelici che vivono nel Mondo Occidentale. Vedrete pupe francesi e tedeschi che cantano gli Abba, inglesi inkazzati e yankee invasi dai negri – mica come qui, che nei primi 50 abbiamo giusto Malika Ayane al n.17, e poi solo cantanti ariani vivaddio.

Allora, iniziamo dall’America (tipico). Al n.1 c’è un disco che ha venduto pochissimo, poco più di 80mila copie, il n.1 più povero di sempre. E’ quello di Chrisette Michele, strana animala al secondo disco, targata Def Jam. Lei non è troppo portata per sventolare le ghiandole mammarie, sembra una che davvero fa dell’r’n’b, cioè quello che intendevamo come r’n’b fino agli anni 90. Mi ricorda qualcuno d’antan ma non ho ancora capito chi, se Anita Baker o piuttosto Chaka Khan. Mi sbilancio: disco eccellente se vi piace il genere. Ma qui per ora a differenza della Crisi, della Chrisette non si sente parlare (ahaha) (…uff, e vabbè. Musoni che siete). Poi, al n.2 c’è Hannah Montana, amica dei giorni più lieti, e al n.3 Ciara, un’altra aspirante Beyoncè. Al n.1 ci si aspettava che andasse lei. Del resto nei primi secondi del suo video lecca l’orecchio a Justin Timberlake, poi cerca di aprirgli la patta dei pantaloni con le chiappe, quindi si mette a novanta e poi carponi in costume zebrato. Credo sia l’applicazione del concetto postmodernista di incredulità verso le metanarrazioni.

In Inghilterra, al n.1 i Green Day, che da noi non sono ancora classificabili, ma li aspetto al n.1 anche qui. Segue, la cocca locale, Lily Allen. Al n.3 la barbie Lady Gaga, che pur senza mai sfondare davvero si piazza nelle top ten ovunque tranne che da noi – che comunque abbiamo già le nostre gatte da pelare. Rispetto alla top 10 americana, che è molto americana, e alla top 10 italiana che è all’80% italiana, la top 10 inglese sfoggia una minoranza di inglesi (Prodigy, Maximo Park e abbiamo finito: il resto è America, con una menzione particolare per la perdurante presenza degli amati – fuorché qui – Kings Of Leon). E quindi, loro che potrebbero avere un’autarchia coi fiocchi (rispetto a Usa e Italia) importano gente che nemmeno in patria funziona, tipo P!nk o Beyoncé, lontanissime dalla prima decina oltreoceano.

Ma andiamo ora presso gli odiati cugini, cantando Pooo, popopo, po pooo, pooo. Nella top ten dei mangiarane ci sono cose che ci campeggiano lì da una vita, tipo Seal o Jason Mraz. Viceversa hanno già invitato gli U2 a farsi un giro (U2 e Depeche Mode stanno andando piuttosto male anche in America, dove di norma sono amatissimi). Al n.1 c’è, come sospettavate, Calogero Maurici, di Grenoble, che è un po’ il Nek francese – e come Nek, se uno non ascolta le parole, non fa totalmente schifo: ci piazza dentro pure un po’ di salsapariglia rock. E indovinate un po’? Per lui ha scritto un pezzo Piero Pelù, “l’ancien chanteur de Litfiba”. Il brano si chiama Il conte (sarebbe Dracula), la musica è melensona e vi trascrivo il testo da un sito francese:

Tu bianca rosa selvaggia sei qua
Volevi andar via ma sei solo mia

Scende il sole propio dentro mio castello
Avrò mille notti con te
E ti baccio come non ho fatto mai
Quando tu volevi essere libera

Libera e selvaggia sei qua
Ora sei mia sei solo mia
Tu che mi decevi “ora ti lascio”
Sei tra le mie mani

Beh, un po’ una Totocutugnata, eh. Ma bravo Pierone! Anche se non dimentico che l’anno scorso dopo che ti ho riassunto le mie vicende sentimentali mi hai detto “Ah, delinquente” (e voi capite che quando Piero Pelù vi dice delle cose del genere, è evidente che la vostra vita è puro luna park) però sono contento che sei tornato al n.1 da qualche parte, in qualche modo. Ti baccio.

Al n.2 ci sono i Depeche Mode (che sono al n.4 in Italia, dietro Renato Zero). Al n.3 c’è Olive Ruiz, uh, non sapevo che avesse fatto un disco nuovo, lei è taaaaanto carina e taaaaaanto francesina, cercate J’traine des pieds e scaricatela illegalmente, che così a Sarcosì gli parte un embolo. Al n.23 vi segnalo infine un tale Amaury Vassili, che è stato in top ten qualche settimana fa. Ve lo segnalo perché poi mi serve.

(perché mica crederete che non stia preparando un colpo di scena) (eddai, quant’è che mi leggete?) (lo sapete che a un certo punto parto verso una tesi fumosa con lo stesso incaponimento di Kakà quando parte da centrocampo verso la porta convinto che gli avversari rimarranno lì fermi a fargli delle foto perché è quello dei Ringo)

E adesso, giù risate, si parla di Germania. Al n.1 c’è Paul Potts, inglese, ex venditore di cellulari uscito da un reality di Simon Cowell. Si è presentato, ha cantato Nessun dorma e ha vinto: Simon Cowell, quel Simon Cowell cattivo, inventore di X Factor incensato da quelli che sanno di tv, alla fine dell’esibizione gli dice “You are a breath of fresh air”.

COSA?

Uno che canta Nessun Dorma?

E non è che non se la sono mai sorbita nemmeno loro nella versione di Pavarone, eh.

Comunque, il tenorone tenerone Potts dopo aver mietuto quel che c’era da mietere presso il Vallo di Adriano, ha conquistato anche i todeschi (in Usa è appena sbarcato, il suo disco è new entry al n.33). Dei quali a questo punto ricordiamo frettolosamente il resto della top ten, che vede gli Abba di Mamma Mia al n.2, e i Coldplay al n.3. Per i krauti, forte inclinazione verso il mercato britannico: piacciono Amy McDonald, Amy Winehouse. E piace ancor oggi Gabriellina Cilmi, col suo sangue calabroaustraliano.

(avete sempre lì fermo contro il muro quel tale Amaury?) (belloccio, giovane, sguardo patito?) (bene)

Amaury Vassili, nato a Rouen, nella top ten francese ci era entrato con un disco cantato in italiano. Intitolato: Vincerò.

(bang!)

Nel disco ci sono anche Parla più piano e altri brani da mafiosi.

Ebbene, lo vedete quello che succede nel mondo? Insomma piantiamola di baloccarci con il futuro, non è roba per noi: è l’Italia di ieri che tutti vogliono. La vogliamo noi, la vogliono loro. La propugnano inglesi, francesi e tedeschi, la propugnano Mogol e i Pooh, la propugna Pelù. Con il progressismo ci si trastulla solo la sssinistra, nei suoi salotti radical-chic. Italiani! Indietro tutta, e basta là.

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